Monday, December 7, 2009
9:25 PM Blerg.
Taking a page out of Jason's blog, over at Pop Culture, Politics And Everything Between, I wanted to start my own Quote of the Week! This one comes from a surprisingly touching moment during an episode of 'The Office,' which I just saw for the 44th time tonight. I always get goosebumps when Jim says this to a crying Dwight...
"Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton? Yeah, I didn’t think I had. Well, it was about Pam. I mean she was with Roy, and I just couldn’t take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff like… food had no taste. So, my solution was to move away. It was awful. And that is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you."
- Jim Halpert (Season 4, Episode 4: "Money")
Love,
Tara
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Sound of Settling
Sunday, November 29, 2009
6:44 pm Giving thanks.
Thanksgiving "break" '09 was pretty fantastic. This is mostly due to the fact that, with all of my friends home for a few days, I could pretend to have a social life. Each night spent catching up with my Gbury friends made me even more thankful that they're a part of my life. It's no wonder we've all remained friends for this long.
Anyway, since talking is what we're best at, it is really no big surprise that the conversation between A, C, M, and I last night (using first initials is my attempt to protect the innocent) ended up giving me more insight into the universal differences between men and women. The four of us were at Plan B when we started throwing around "would you rathers." To preface, A and C are dating, which made for a nice double-date-like situation, except M is one of my oldest friends, and if we ever actually dated we'd probably kill each other. Nevertheless, when A and C started kissing, M turned and propositioned me with an, "Okay, Tara. Let's do this. Put the beer bottle down." It was really romantic.
The "would you rathers" didn't start right away. We eased into it by starting off with a few rounds of "Cliff." For those who are unfamiliar, Cliff is a game in which person A gives person B three names, and person B then has to decide which of those names they would a.) sleep with and never see again b.) marry but never sleep with and c.) push off a Cliff. As you can imagine, this is a bit of a dangerous game to play, but when you throw in drinking...well, it's a great way to offend someone really quickly, especially if you're listing names of people you're sitting with. Luckily, M said he would marry me when it was his turn to choose, though that may have been because he was sitting right next to me, and if he cliffed me I wouldn't have hesitated to punch him.
So, Cliff turned to Would You Rather, with A leading the way by asking all sorts of humdingers (Would you rather be deaf or mute? Would you rather have ridiculous body hair or nails that grow really fast?). We were all laughing and justifying our choices when she hit us with the big one: Would you rather have to marry the first person you ever loved or never get married?
The table fell silent for a moment, and then A and I said, simultaneously...
"I'd rather never get married."
This statement was followed by the two of us talking over each other with a lot of Oh my God I could nevers and I would sooner kill myselfs, when we realized the boys weren't chiming in.
This was because they would rather marry the first person they ever loved than never get married.
A and I were incredulous.
You can have meaningful, long-term relationships and never get married, we pointed out.
They shrugged.
You'd be passing up the chance to spend your life with your soul mate just to have the label of "married," we explained.
They shrugged again.
Why???
C explained that though he doesn't talk to the first girl he ever loved anymore, he'd rather try to love her than never be married.
M agreed and pointed out that he wanted a family and felt that it was the most financially responsible choice.
We ended up having to agree to disagree, but the whole conversation just blew my mind. Because while A and I, the women at the table, were thinking of love and soul mates when making our choice, M and C were thinking of marriage certificates and financial stability.
So, I ask you... Is it better to hold out for something better or settle?
What would you rather do?
Love,
Tara
6:44 pm Giving thanks.
Thanksgiving "break" '09 was pretty fantastic. This is mostly due to the fact that, with all of my friends home for a few days, I could pretend to have a social life. Each night spent catching up with my Gbury friends made me even more thankful that they're a part of my life. It's no wonder we've all remained friends for this long.
Anyway, since talking is what we're best at, it is really no big surprise that the conversation between A, C, M, and I last night (using first initials is my attempt to protect the innocent) ended up giving me more insight into the universal differences between men and women. The four of us were at Plan B when we started throwing around "would you rathers." To preface, A and C are dating, which made for a nice double-date-like situation, except M is one of my oldest friends, and if we ever actually dated we'd probably kill each other. Nevertheless, when A and C started kissing, M turned and propositioned me with an, "Okay, Tara. Let's do this. Put the beer bottle down." It was really romantic.
The "would you rathers" didn't start right away. We eased into it by starting off with a few rounds of "Cliff." For those who are unfamiliar, Cliff is a game in which person A gives person B three names, and person B then has to decide which of those names they would a.) sleep with and never see again b.) marry but never sleep with and c.) push off a Cliff. As you can imagine, this is a bit of a dangerous game to play, but when you throw in drinking...well, it's a great way to offend someone really quickly, especially if you're listing names of people you're sitting with. Luckily, M said he would marry me when it was his turn to choose, though that may have been because he was sitting right next to me, and if he cliffed me I wouldn't have hesitated to punch him.
So, Cliff turned to Would You Rather, with A leading the way by asking all sorts of humdingers (Would you rather be deaf or mute? Would you rather have ridiculous body hair or nails that grow really fast?). We were all laughing and justifying our choices when she hit us with the big one: Would you rather have to marry the first person you ever loved or never get married?
The table fell silent for a moment, and then A and I said, simultaneously...
"I'd rather never get married."
This statement was followed by the two of us talking over each other with a lot of Oh my God I could nevers and I would sooner kill myselfs, when we realized the boys weren't chiming in.
This was because they would rather marry the first person they ever loved than never get married.
A and I were incredulous.
You can have meaningful, long-term relationships and never get married, we pointed out.
They shrugged.
You'd be passing up the chance to spend your life with your soul mate just to have the label of "married," we explained.
They shrugged again.
Why???
C explained that though he doesn't talk to the first girl he ever loved anymore, he'd rather try to love her than never be married.
M agreed and pointed out that he wanted a family and felt that it was the most financially responsible choice.
We ended up having to agree to disagree, but the whole conversation just blew my mind. Because while A and I, the women at the table, were thinking of love and soul mates when making our choice, M and C were thinking of marriage certificates and financial stability.
So, I ask you... Is it better to hold out for something better or settle?
What would you rather do?
Love,
Tara
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Are You Not Entertained?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
3:48 PM Happy Thanksgiving Eve!
Conversations with My Father, Part II
It's a dark November evening at the Gorman household. Tara has just arrived home after a grueling commute from Westport, where she had a grueling day of work. Nevertheless, her ever present cheery disposition shines through as her sister, Stephanie, and her father talk about how they spent the day preparing the house for Thanksgiving.
Stephanie: When Dad and I went to the liquor store we ran into Kristina.
Tara: No way! That's cool. What did you guys get at the liquor store?
(Tara glances at the wine rack.)
Tara: Whoa! You guys stocked up!
Dad: Yes, I've decided we're going to let Tara drink as much as she wants on Thanksgiving.
(Stephanie and Tara turn to look at their father. Stephanie is puzzled. Tara is surprised and delighted.)
Dad: She's going to be the entertainment.
Love,
Tara
3:48 PM Happy Thanksgiving Eve!
Conversations with My Father, Part II
It's a dark November evening at the Gorman household. Tara has just arrived home after a grueling commute from Westport, where she had a grueling day of work. Nevertheless, her ever present cheery disposition shines through as her sister, Stephanie, and her father talk about how they spent the day preparing the house for Thanksgiving.
Stephanie: When Dad and I went to the liquor store we ran into Kristina.
Tara: No way! That's cool. What did you guys get at the liquor store?
(Tara glances at the wine rack.)
Tara: Whoa! You guys stocked up!
Dad: Yes, I've decided we're going to let Tara drink as much as she wants on Thanksgiving.
(Stephanie and Tara turn to look at their father. Stephanie is puzzled. Tara is surprised and delighted.)
Dad: She's going to be the entertainment.
Love,
Tara
Friday, November 20, 2009
Don't Talk the Talk If You Can't Walk the Walk...
Friday, November 20, 2009
11:32 am 'tis the season for tofurkey...
Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and I am positively giddy. It may just be my favorite holiday because it represents the start of the Christmas season, which is my favorite time of year. If I ruled the world (ugh, if only) it would be all Christmas ALL THE TIME, with Christmas songs on a constant loop on the radio and Christmas specials always rerunning on TV. As a warm up for the creation of "Tara's 2009 Holiday Viewing Guide" (coming soon!), I spent the other evening compiling a list of all the "Friends" Thanksgiving episodes, which I will watch with my sisters starting when Steph gets home on Tuesday. I just got chills.
Thanksgiving presents an interesting challenge in my family because of our varying diets. I'm a vegetarian, while my father, who doesn't like labels, calls himself a "minimalist" (...is that not a label?), which basically means he's a vegetarian who'll eat seafood sometimes. In addition to this, my dad has a gluten intolerance, meaning he can't have any bread, pasta, beer (gasp!), etc. Now, while most young adults learn to cook for themselves while away at college, I'm just starting to learn now that I'm home again. This is because eating at our house is basically a free-for-all, with everyone's different diets and schedules, and the chances that someone went grocery shopping that week slim to none. I've found that I can make a pretty bangin' asparagus dish (my oh so domestic sister Stephanie called to ask me how to make it a few weeks ago and it made my LIFE), which anyone attending Thanksgiving at our house this year will get to sample. But a girl can't live on asparagus, so I branched out and bought a cookbook: The Gluten-Free Vegetarian Kitchen. I'm planning on attacking this baby 'Julie and Julia' style, except it'll be 'Tara and Donna Klein' style (admittedly not as catchy, but it works). The other day I started with the first appetizer recipe for 'Toasted Tex-Mex Almonds' which were delish! Here's a pic:
So while, clearly, I can make some pretty excellent apps and side dishes, this still leaves me with a bit of a conundrum every Thanksgiving, because turkey substitutes I cannot create. Last year I discovered that Garden of Light has a vegan Thanksgiving menu, so the other day I went there and ordered a feast. I don't care so much about the tofurkey, but so help me God if I don't get my gravy.
Tofurkey? Vegan gravy? Most people hear these things, make a face, and ask me, "Why all the trouble?" Obviously eating turkey and real gravy would be the easier, and probably tastier, option. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I didn't ever plan on being a vegetarian, it just... happened.
It happened on May 7, 2006. I was driving home from my first year at BU with my dad when he told me that he had decided to become a vegetarian after reading, "The Omnivore's Dilemma" by Michael Pollan. Now, this surprised me because my dad has such a limited diet anyway, but after hearing him tell me about the book, I decided to give it whirl. I'm not a spontaneous person, but for whatever reason I decided, between lunch and dinner, to become a vegetarian. The reasons my dad was doing it were mostly environmental, but after reading the book myself, I was even further convinced that being a vegetarian was the right thing to do for moral reasons. This is a little interesting because the author himself is not a vegetarian, but after reading about the gruesome tactics used to slaughter animals for meat and the suffering most of them endure, my reasons were both environmental and moral. It all just seemed so unnecessary. I mean, who am I to say it's okay that an animal suffers and dies just so I can have a burger? It didn't seem right.
Now, believe me, I am not an animal lover. And I'd always thought of vegetarians as a bunch of dread-locked hippies who used patchouli to mask their body odor. But the idea that I was responsible for anything suffering through its miserable life simply because I ate meat didn't sit right with me. After that, I started reading about the antibiotics and drugs that are pumped into the animals we eat, and the disgusting, unsanitary meatpacking plants that grind up anything resembling meat and ship it off to the local grocery store for us to purchase and eat, and suddenly I no longer had an appetite for meat. Then of course there are all the health benefits associated with cutting meat from your diet, and my reasons for being a vegetarian became environmental, moral, and health. And three and half years later, here I am.
I don't talk about the whole "being a vegetarian" thing a lot because I've found that whenever it comes up, and I start to explain why I am what I am, someone inevitably points a finger and accuses me of being self-righteous. And the truth is, I am self-righteous. Obviously, I think I'm making the right choice. And I think it's my prerogative to be smugly moralistic about it. Because I don't think anyone can actually say, "I'm completely okay with the fact that, by eating meat, I'm responsible for the pain and suffering of thousands of animals over my lifetime. And I'm okay with the fact that, by eating meat, I am supporting an industry that is largely responsible for the carbon emissions that are causing global warming. And I'm okay with the fact that, by eating meat, I drive health care costs way up because of the heart disease and the high-cholesterol, etc. I will need to be treated for when I'm older." No one actually believes that.
I think most people know they shouldn't be eating meat, but it's what most people grew up doing, and it's convenient, and let's face it - it tastes pretty damn good. And what difference does it really make if I, just one person, gives up meat anyway?
One person may not make a whole lot of difference, but I have to shake my head when people call themselves "environmentally-conscious" and "animal lovers" and "health-nuts", but continue to eat meat.
I'd rather be self-righteous than a hypocrite.
Love,
Tara
11:32 am 'tis the season for tofurkey...
Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and I am positively giddy. It may just be my favorite holiday because it represents the start of the Christmas season, which is my favorite time of year. If I ruled the world (ugh, if only) it would be all Christmas ALL THE TIME, with Christmas songs on a constant loop on the radio and Christmas specials always rerunning on TV. As a warm up for the creation of "Tara's 2009 Holiday Viewing Guide" (coming soon!), I spent the other evening compiling a list of all the "Friends" Thanksgiving episodes, which I will watch with my sisters starting when Steph gets home on Tuesday. I just got chills.
Thanksgiving presents an interesting challenge in my family because of our varying diets. I'm a vegetarian, while my father, who doesn't like labels, calls himself a "minimalist" (...is that not a label?), which basically means he's a vegetarian who'll eat seafood sometimes. In addition to this, my dad has a gluten intolerance, meaning he can't have any bread, pasta, beer (gasp!), etc. Now, while most young adults learn to cook for themselves while away at college, I'm just starting to learn now that I'm home again. This is because eating at our house is basically a free-for-all, with everyone's different diets and schedules, and the chances that someone went grocery shopping that week slim to none. I've found that I can make a pretty bangin' asparagus dish (my oh so domestic sister Stephanie called to ask me how to make it a few weeks ago and it made my LIFE), which anyone attending Thanksgiving at our house this year will get to sample. But a girl can't live on asparagus, so I branched out and bought a cookbook: The Gluten-Free Vegetarian Kitchen. I'm planning on attacking this baby 'Julie and Julia' style, except it'll be 'Tara and Donna Klein' style (admittedly not as catchy, but it works). The other day I started with the first appetizer recipe for 'Toasted Tex-Mex Almonds' which were delish! Here's a pic:
Tofurkey? Vegan gravy? Most people hear these things, make a face, and ask me, "Why all the trouble?" Obviously eating turkey and real gravy would be the easier, and probably tastier, option. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I didn't ever plan on being a vegetarian, it just... happened.
It happened on May 7, 2006. I was driving home from my first year at BU with my dad when he told me that he had decided to become a vegetarian after reading, "The Omnivore's Dilemma" by Michael Pollan. Now, this surprised me because my dad has such a limited diet anyway, but after hearing him tell me about the book, I decided to give it whirl. I'm not a spontaneous person, but for whatever reason I decided, between lunch and dinner, to become a vegetarian. The reasons my dad was doing it were mostly environmental, but after reading the book myself, I was even further convinced that being a vegetarian was the right thing to do for moral reasons. This is a little interesting because the author himself is not a vegetarian, but after reading about the gruesome tactics used to slaughter animals for meat and the suffering most of them endure, my reasons were both environmental and moral. It all just seemed so unnecessary. I mean, who am I to say it's okay that an animal suffers and dies just so I can have a burger? It didn't seem right.
Now, believe me, I am not an animal lover. And I'd always thought of vegetarians as a bunch of dread-locked hippies who used patchouli to mask their body odor. But the idea that I was responsible for anything suffering through its miserable life simply because I ate meat didn't sit right with me. After that, I started reading about the antibiotics and drugs that are pumped into the animals we eat, and the disgusting, unsanitary meatpacking plants that grind up anything resembling meat and ship it off to the local grocery store for us to purchase and eat, and suddenly I no longer had an appetite for meat. Then of course there are all the health benefits associated with cutting meat from your diet, and my reasons for being a vegetarian became environmental, moral, and health. And three and half years later, here I am.
I don't talk about the whole "being a vegetarian" thing a lot because I've found that whenever it comes up, and I start to explain why I am what I am, someone inevitably points a finger and accuses me of being self-righteous. And the truth is, I am self-righteous. Obviously, I think I'm making the right choice. And I think it's my prerogative to be smugly moralistic about it. Because I don't think anyone can actually say, "I'm completely okay with the fact that, by eating meat, I'm responsible for the pain and suffering of thousands of animals over my lifetime. And I'm okay with the fact that, by eating meat, I am supporting an industry that is largely responsible for the carbon emissions that are causing global warming. And I'm okay with the fact that, by eating meat, I drive health care costs way up because of the heart disease and the high-cholesterol, etc. I will need to be treated for when I'm older." No one actually believes that.
I think most people know they shouldn't be eating meat, but it's what most people grew up doing, and it's convenient, and let's face it - it tastes pretty damn good. And what difference does it really make if I, just one person, gives up meat anyway?
One person may not make a whole lot of difference, but I have to shake my head when people call themselves "environmentally-conscious" and "animal lovers" and "health-nuts", but continue to eat meat.
I'd rather be self-righteous than a hypocrite.
Love,
Tara
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Conversations with My Mother, Part II
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
7:24 PM I bought the wine to cook with...and drank it instead.
Conversations with My Mother
It's 7:15 on a cool November morning. Tara skips down the stairs in her work out clothes. The kitchen immediately lights up when she enters, as do all rooms (and people) when Tara is around. She greets her mother, who is leaving a note for Tara's sister, Kaitlyn.
Mother: Tara, do you have any thank you notes Kaitlyn can use? She needs to write one to one of her teachers.
Tara: (makes a face...but like, a cute face...she still looks cute) Yeah...but I just bought them to send after interviews. They were really expensive.
Mother: (makes a face) Like how expensive?
Tara: Like 15 dollars!
Mother: Okay, I'll tell you what. You let Kaitlyn use one of your thank you notes, and I'll tell your father not to cut off the heat to your bedroom.
Tara: ...
My life is so unfair.
Love,
Tara
7:24 PM I bought the wine to cook with...and drank it instead.
Conversations with My Mother
It's 7:15 on a cool November morning. Tara skips down the stairs in her work out clothes. The kitchen immediately lights up when she enters, as do all rooms (and people) when Tara is around. She greets her mother, who is leaving a note for Tara's sister, Kaitlyn.
Mother: Tara, do you have any thank you notes Kaitlyn can use? She needs to write one to one of her teachers.
Tara: (makes a face...but like, a cute face...she still looks cute) Yeah...but I just bought them to send after interviews. They were really expensive.
Mother: (makes a face) Like how expensive?
Tara: Like 15 dollars!
Mother: Okay, I'll tell you what. You let Kaitlyn use one of your thank you notes, and I'll tell your father not to cut off the heat to your bedroom.
Tara: ...
My life is so unfair.
Love,
Tara
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
"Bravery isn't the absence of fear..."
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
2:21 PM "…but the will to overcome it.”
I feel like I’ve been bursting to write lately, but I couldn’t figure out about what. Today I had the day off from… everything, so I decided to seek out some inspiration. There are only two movies in the world that move me profoundly every single time I watch them – “Magnolia” and “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” I decided to watch “Eternal” while I was folding laundry. This was unusual because I don’t like to watch movies alone. I get emotional (*gasp*) and there’s something less pathetic to me about crying into someone’s shoulder than sitting alone in your family room, surrounded by piles of laundry, using your dad’s old sock to dab your eyes…
Look at it out here
It’s all falling apart
I’m erasing you and I’m happy
By morning you’ll be gone
Some of the best lines in the movie…could that not be poetry?? I’ve memorized so many lines from the movie I found myself mouthing the words. Then, of course, there’s the poem from which the film got its title, Alexander Pope’s ‘Eloisa to Abelard’:
How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d…
I used to love the film for its message about fate, but today it made me think about fear. I decided a year and a half ago (I remember the exact day) that I didn’t want to live my life not doing things out of fear. I vowed that if I really wanted to do something, I wasn’t going to let my fear of what might happen hold me back. Fear of pain, fear of disappointment, fear of failure, fear of heartbreak… I think too often in life we don’t take chances because we fear unpleasant outcomes. But I’ve found, in my life, it’s when I push past the fear that the next great thing happens. Now, these great things don’t always happen - there are often those unpleasant outcomes - but I’ve only ever gotten to the next great thing by getting past fear.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an enlightened expert. In fact, I fight it the whole way. When I decided I wanted to try to be the commencement speaker, I complained to anyone who would listen. Stephanie can tell you how I called her at 10 pm the night before the speech was due to bitch to her about how I hadn’t written a single word and this was stupid and why do I even care and why am I even doing this. But the bitching and complaining was really just a mask for fear because what I really was saying was, “I’m afraid to do this because what if I try hard at something I care about and I fail?”
Another example is that job in NYC I’ve talked about. My initial reaction when I found out that such a job existed was…anger! It sounds crazy, but I was mad when I read the job description. And it’s because I immediately knew I wasn’t going to be happy or able to live with myself if I didn’t try to get it. Of course, I would want the job that 7,000 people apply for each year and only 70 actually get. I was mad at myself because, the odds were, I wasn’t going to get it. I was making an emotional investment that probably wouldn’t pay out.
But it did “pay out.”
I don’t like to go too in depth about my personal life on my blog (I would never get another date), so I’m going to skip the examples (did you hear that? It was a collective sigh of relief from all my ex-boyfriends), but it applies here too. In fact, it especially applies here. I actually have come to like that feeling of paralyzing fear while talking to a guy I really like (you know, where you can’t catch your breath and your hands get all shaky?), because my most significant, meaningful relationships have happened when I was so scared of what might happen, and I did it anyway.
The last lines of the movie are probably etched into my brain somewhere, I love them so much:
Joel: I can’t see anything that I don’t like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped because that’s what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.
I’m not trying to get preachy. It’s just that I remembered today that I’d rather live my life trying things and failing and getting my heart broken and feeling all of those crazy, mixed up emotions and all the while holding on to the hope that maybe this time pushing through the fear will lead to something greater, than live my life in fear of what could go wrong.
I’d rather be brave.
Love,
Tara
2:21 PM "…but the will to overcome it.”
I feel like I’ve been bursting to write lately, but I couldn’t figure out about what. Today I had the day off from… everything, so I decided to seek out some inspiration. There are only two movies in the world that move me profoundly every single time I watch them – “Magnolia” and “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” I decided to watch “Eternal” while I was folding laundry. This was unusual because I don’t like to watch movies alone. I get emotional (*gasp*) and there’s something less pathetic to me about crying into someone’s shoulder than sitting alone in your family room, surrounded by piles of laundry, using your dad’s old sock to dab your eyes…
Look at it out here
It’s all falling apart
I’m erasing you and I’m happy
By morning you’ll be gone
Some of the best lines in the movie…could that not be poetry?? I’ve memorized so many lines from the movie I found myself mouthing the words. Then, of course, there’s the poem from which the film got its title, Alexander Pope’s ‘Eloisa to Abelard’:
How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d…
I used to love the film for its message about fate, but today it made me think about fear. I decided a year and a half ago (I remember the exact day) that I didn’t want to live my life not doing things out of fear. I vowed that if I really wanted to do something, I wasn’t going to let my fear of what might happen hold me back. Fear of pain, fear of disappointment, fear of failure, fear of heartbreak… I think too often in life we don’t take chances because we fear unpleasant outcomes. But I’ve found, in my life, it’s when I push past the fear that the next great thing happens. Now, these great things don’t always happen - there are often those unpleasant outcomes - but I’ve only ever gotten to the next great thing by getting past fear.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an enlightened expert. In fact, I fight it the whole way. When I decided I wanted to try to be the commencement speaker, I complained to anyone who would listen. Stephanie can tell you how I called her at 10 pm the night before the speech was due to bitch to her about how I hadn’t written a single word and this was stupid and why do I even care and why am I even doing this. But the bitching and complaining was really just a mask for fear because what I really was saying was, “I’m afraid to do this because what if I try hard at something I care about and I fail?”
Another example is that job in NYC I’ve talked about. My initial reaction when I found out that such a job existed was…anger! It sounds crazy, but I was mad when I read the job description. And it’s because I immediately knew I wasn’t going to be happy or able to live with myself if I didn’t try to get it. Of course, I would want the job that 7,000 people apply for each year and only 70 actually get. I was mad at myself because, the odds were, I wasn’t going to get it. I was making an emotional investment that probably wouldn’t pay out.
But it did “pay out.”
I don’t like to go too in depth about my personal life on my blog (I would never get another date), so I’m going to skip the examples (did you hear that? It was a collective sigh of relief from all my ex-boyfriends), but it applies here too. In fact, it especially applies here. I actually have come to like that feeling of paralyzing fear while talking to a guy I really like (you know, where you can’t catch your breath and your hands get all shaky?), because my most significant, meaningful relationships have happened when I was so scared of what might happen, and I did it anyway.
The last lines of the movie are probably etched into my brain somewhere, I love them so much:
Joel: I can’t see anything that I don’t like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped because that’s what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.
I’m not trying to get preachy. It’s just that I remembered today that I’d rather live my life trying things and failing and getting my heart broken and feeling all of those crazy, mixed up emotions and all the while holding on to the hope that maybe this time pushing through the fear will lead to something greater, than live my life in fear of what could go wrong.
I’d rather be brave.
Love,
Tara
Sunday, November 8, 2009
"Meant to Be Broken."
Sunday, November 8, 2009
4:03 PM Get ready…
I’m not sure how I feel about rules.
I’ll give you a minute to get over the shock.
Are you okay? Okay. This is shocking because, as most of my friends and family know, I LOVE to make up rules. Coming up with arbitrary rules for myself has become like a hobby (and probably a slight case of OCD). To give you a look into my neurosis, I’ll give you some examples. I do it with everything. Clothes? I have a list of all my clothes for each season that I work through, systematically, so as not to wear the same outfit twice before I have to. On a given day I simply cross reference the temperature and occasion to find out what I’ll be wearing. Scary? I know. I’m scaring myself a little just writing this. But the thing is, I really do find it helpful to have a list of all my clothes in front of me. I just have a real knack for making helpful things complicated.
Like my To Do list. Now, I know I’ve written about my To Do List before, because it truly is the bane of my existence. But...it’s helpful to have a list of everything I need to do, so I don’t forget. Unfortunately, I’m really good at staring at the list just long enough to become frustrated and overwhelmed at the thought of doing it all. It’s a gift, really.
And relationships? Oooh, relationships. My romantic life is the area of my life in which I often feel the most out of control (I’m emotional, okay?), so I’ve come up with thousands of rules to trick myself into thinking I have some semblance of control. And the fact that I know every line of every episode of “Sex & the City” and just finished reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” doesn’t help. Because they just reinforce the fact that women need to go into relationships with a set of rules… and I’m starting to think that’s unhealthy. Of course, all women should have some nevers. Cheating is always a deal breaker. Lying? Also a deal breaker. Abuse equals a deal breaker and a call to the local police. But those aren’t the rules I, or the writers of SATC and “Not That Into You” are talking about.
For example, there’s an episode of SATC when Charlotte announces that it should take half the time you were dating a guy to get over him. You were dating a guy for a month? You’ve got two weeks to ponder what might have been and *poof* you’re over it. And I love that rule! It seems reasonable, there’s a bit of logic to it… I would do the break up math for every girlfriend who called me crying over her lost love: “Don’t worry about it too much, Sar! You were with him for a year, so it’s just the next six months of your life that are going to suck.”
You see, the problem I’m finding with rules is that they very rarely apply to any “unique” situation. What if you dated a guy for three years? Does that mean it’s going to take the next year and a half to move on with your life? Is this what we’re limited to? Or what if you’re like me and you like to make the same mistake, er, date the same guy over and over and over again? If it was on and off for five years, does that mean I should have expected two and a half years of misery? Or do I subtract the months we weren’t together? Or do I only count the most recent time we were together? It just doesn’t work.
Another rule I loved was the, “Don’t talk to the guy after he’s broken up with you” rule. I swore by it. He doesn’t want to be with you, but he still wants to talk to you? No way. He chose for it to be this way, so let him miss you. It makes complete sense… until you apply it along with the other rule. If you were with a guy for two years, you break up, and won’t be “over” him for a year, that would mean you can’t speak to him for year. But what if he’s in your group of friends? Are you supposed to ignore him for twelve months? Should you tell your friends that you won’t be addressing him in social settings for the next year, so could you please tell him to move his car, he’s blocking you and you need to get home? It doesn’t work.
I’m not sure what I mean by writing all this out. It’s just something that occurred to me today. I follow all these rules so I can assert some control over my life, but they just end up making things more complicated in the end. Because I’ve never believed that exes could be friends (another rule). And I’m still not entirely convinced that they can. But I realized today it’s awfully nice to have someone to talk to when you’re having a bad day, even if it is breaking a rule.
Love,
Tara
4:03 PM Get ready…
I’m not sure how I feel about rules.
I’ll give you a minute to get over the shock.
Are you okay? Okay. This is shocking because, as most of my friends and family know, I LOVE to make up rules. Coming up with arbitrary rules for myself has become like a hobby (and probably a slight case of OCD). To give you a look into my neurosis, I’ll give you some examples. I do it with everything. Clothes? I have a list of all my clothes for each season that I work through, systematically, so as not to wear the same outfit twice before I have to. On a given day I simply cross reference the temperature and occasion to find out what I’ll be wearing. Scary? I know. I’m scaring myself a little just writing this. But the thing is, I really do find it helpful to have a list of all my clothes in front of me. I just have a real knack for making helpful things complicated.
Like my To Do list. Now, I know I’ve written about my To Do List before, because it truly is the bane of my existence. But...it’s helpful to have a list of everything I need to do, so I don’t forget. Unfortunately, I’m really good at staring at the list just long enough to become frustrated and overwhelmed at the thought of doing it all. It’s a gift, really.
And relationships? Oooh, relationships. My romantic life is the area of my life in which I often feel the most out of control (I’m emotional, okay?), so I’ve come up with thousands of rules to trick myself into thinking I have some semblance of control. And the fact that I know every line of every episode of “Sex & the City” and just finished reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” doesn’t help. Because they just reinforce the fact that women need to go into relationships with a set of rules… and I’m starting to think that’s unhealthy. Of course, all women should have some nevers. Cheating is always a deal breaker. Lying? Also a deal breaker. Abuse equals a deal breaker and a call to the local police. But those aren’t the rules I, or the writers of SATC and “Not That Into You” are talking about.
For example, there’s an episode of SATC when Charlotte announces that it should take half the time you were dating a guy to get over him. You were dating a guy for a month? You’ve got two weeks to ponder what might have been and *poof* you’re over it. And I love that rule! It seems reasonable, there’s a bit of logic to it… I would do the break up math for every girlfriend who called me crying over her lost love: “Don’t worry about it too much, Sar! You were with him for a year, so it’s just the next six months of your life that are going to suck.”
You see, the problem I’m finding with rules is that they very rarely apply to any “unique” situation. What if you dated a guy for three years? Does that mean it’s going to take the next year and a half to move on with your life? Is this what we’re limited to? Or what if you’re like me and you like to make the same mistake, er, date the same guy over and over and over again? If it was on and off for five years, does that mean I should have expected two and a half years of misery? Or do I subtract the months we weren’t together? Or do I only count the most recent time we were together? It just doesn’t work.
Another rule I loved was the, “Don’t talk to the guy after he’s broken up with you” rule. I swore by it. He doesn’t want to be with you, but he still wants to talk to you? No way. He chose for it to be this way, so let him miss you. It makes complete sense… until you apply it along with the other rule. If you were with a guy for two years, you break up, and won’t be “over” him for a year, that would mean you can’t speak to him for year. But what if he’s in your group of friends? Are you supposed to ignore him for twelve months? Should you tell your friends that you won’t be addressing him in social settings for the next year, so could you please tell him to move his car, he’s blocking you and you need to get home? It doesn’t work.
I’m not sure what I mean by writing all this out. It’s just something that occurred to me today. I follow all these rules so I can assert some control over my life, but they just end up making things more complicated in the end. Because I’ve never believed that exes could be friends (another rule). And I’m still not entirely convinced that they can. But I realized today it’s awfully nice to have someone to talk to when you’re having a bad day, even if it is breaking a rule.
Love,
Tara
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