My Anti-Resolutions

Saturday, January 2, 2009
12:11 am Happy New Year!

The holidays are over. I’m back from vacation and ready to start the next chapter of my life. And because a new chapter means a new blog, this will be my last post on “Starting Now.” You should probably grab your tissue boxes now. Also your reading glasses. This one’s a doozy.

A new year always calls for a moment of reflection, as well as a moment to plan for what we will do differently in the new year. When I think back to the jobless, confused post-grad girl I was in May when I started this blog, I’m shocked… not by how much is different, but by how much is the same. I mean this in a good way. Sure, a lot of things have changed. After applying to tons and tons of jobs and interviewing everywhere and getting rejected time and time again, I have a job. Not just a job… I have my dream job. And I’m moving to NYC in two weeks to start that new job and my new life. In many ways I would give anything to be able to go back to the crying, frustrated, disheartened girl I was this summer and tell her that, “It’s true! It really is all going to be okay!” But at the same time, the past seven months have been an incredible growing experience. I think it is in the times when we have lost almost all hope, that we have the most to gain.

Of course, it is easy to say all this now that I have some idea of how I’ll be spending the next year of my life. I know all too well how annoying it is to have condescending friends who’ve had jobs since they graduated, pat you on the shoulder and say, “It’ll all work out. You’ll look back on this time and wish you’d appreciated it more.” So, I’m not going to say that. But, as per usual, what I’d like to say has already been said (better) by someone else. So, to my friends who are feeling just as confused and disappointed as I was not too long ago at all, I hope you’ll find some comfort in this Storypeople quote (it hangs over my bed):

“I don’t know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said.” – Different Plans, Storypeople

I was remarking on how much is the same, and I’d like to go into that a little bit more because while it’s the time of year when most people are thinking about what they’d like to change about themselves, I think it’s important to acknowledge the changes you’ve already made and want to continue. Sometimes you try things and they don’t work out (ex. acrylic nails, certain ex-boyfriends, a hair color called “Cinnaberry” …okay, maybe those examples only apply to me), but when you’re doing something right (and you ARE doing something right), why not celebrate it?!

I’m not saying there aren’t things I want to improve upon: My posture is still less than perfect, and I’d like to be a more diligent flosser after the blood bath that was my last dentist appointment. And, all joking aside, I have set some real, personal goals for myself that I won’t go into here. But in order to change what you’ve been doing wrong, I think you should embrace what you’ve been doing right… and then work to continue doing just that.

So here they are – my “Anti-Resolutions”: A list of things I’ve accomplished this year that I hope won’t change a bit.

1.) Maintain a Low Bullshit Tolerance

Unlike my tolerance for tequila, which sky-rocketed after a semester in Spain, my BS tolerance hit a new low this year, after years of putting up with too much. I finally got tired of giving great advice to all of my girlfriends about their love lives and friendships (“Lose the loser!”, “You deserve a better friend than that!”), and being unable to take my own advice. Wasn’t I just blogging about not talking the talk if you can’t walk to walk? It’s easy to tell a friend to get out of a negative, emotionally-draining relationship… but actually doing it can prove to be much harder. And 2009 didn’t start out any differently. In fact, even though I declared to my college roommate, Maria, that 2009 would be the “Year of No Men” in the hopes that I would avoid the BS altogether (it should be noted that the “Year of No Men” drew a sharp contrast to 2008, the year which Maria and I declared the “Year of One Thousand Men”), I still had plenty of “man” issues to deal with. I’ve learned that one cannot (and should not) avoid men completely (they’ll find you… trust me) in order to avoid hurt feelings. I think you just need to be diligent about protecting those feelings. And this is hard because you’re dating a guy and he’s really great and you totally connect and you’ve got all these happy hormones surging and you’re dancing around your room every time he texts you… and then he does something wrong. Maybe he doesn’t call you back like he said he would. Or maybe he breaks off plans with you at the last minute. You know what I’m talking about. It’s a small infraction that is easily explained away (His cell phone battery died! He got stuck at work!), but a tiny alarm bell goes off in your mind. And maybe he’s the greatest guy in the world and everything else in the relationship goes perfectly and that one time was just a fluke and that alarm bell is eventually silenced. But for most of us, unfortunately, alarm bells will just mean more alarm bells. If he’s not calling you like he said he would, if he’s not asking you out, if he’s not keeping is word… it means he doesn’t respect your time, he’s not interested, and he’s okay with disappointing you. And that SUCKS! Because he was totally flirting with you and he seemed totally interested and it’s hard to admit to ourselves that maybe we were feeling something that wasn’t there. Or isn’t there anymore. It’s embarrassing and upsetting to realize maybe we’ve misjudged. But when a relationship (and this absolutely goes for friendships too) is making you feel more bad than good, you owe it to yourself to get out. As my wise friend, Lauren, once told me (sorry, Grandma), “You deserve the motherfucking best.” Indeed.

2.) Lose the Timetable

This is a more recent change, because I think it was just this past October that I was blogging about how I’d like my life to go for the next twenty years. But I’ve ditched the timetable. Seriously. I know this is hard to believe coming from a neurotic who takes pleasure in making lists and penciling appointments into her Vera Bradley day-planner, but the past seven months have proven to me that you can’t (and shouldn’t) plan for everything. Minds change. Especially mine! I made that timetable three months ago, and there are already so many things I’d like to change. I still think it’s good to have broad, long-term goals (I’d still like to write a book!), but you can’t let those goals limit you. I’m not going to die if I don’t meet a husband and pop out four kids before I’m 35. I might not meet the man of my dreams until I’m 60! Why should I feel disappointed in myself for not accomplishing something by a certain age that I have no control over? I made that timetable in the hopes of feeling some kind of control over my life, which, at the time, seemed totally out of control. But there’s nothing like making a plan, only to watch everything change. I’m not going to limit myself anymore.

3.) Stay Brave

When I worked for the Office of Orientation in the summer of 2007, all of the summer staff had to anonymously write an adjective that we thought described each of our co-workers. At the end of the summer we got a framed picture of our name, with all of the adjectives written inside. Needless to say, this was an incredibly moving gift - everybody likes to hear nice things about themselves. But while there were so many nice adjectives that people used to describe me, one stuck out. Someone had written that I was “brave.” I had never thought of myself that way before, but I really liked that someone else had! And after that, I started to notice all the brave things I did… and felt proud! I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me that doing Olive’s “Super Freak” dance from “Little Miss Sunshine” in front of BU’s entire incoming freshman class might be considered a brave thing to do... Maybe sometimes it takes other people to point out our better qualities.

In 2010 I want to continue to live up to the word "brave." I’ve come to love the rush I get from being completely scared of something and doing it anyway. And like I’ve blogged before, it’s only when I push past that almost paralyzing fear that I’ve accomplished the things I’m most proud of. And perhaps the greatest reward is being able to tell yourself, “You did good.”


There are more things I could list, but this blog is getting long, so I’ll try to wrap it up. Along with the list above, in 2010 I’m going to continue to try to embrace change. I think this is something I’ll always struggle with (blame my astrological sign), but I’m working on it. And as always, I’m going to continue to demand more from the universe! As I blogged in my first blog (and probably every blog since then), I continue to learn what my Aunt Robbi meant when she gave me that advice - what it means to not simply take what is handed to me, but to go out and search for something better. At first I thought I had to angrily demand more from the universe - I literally would picture myself yelling at the sky. Eventually I came to a place where I thought of the universe as a kind of sly car salesman – not someone you would yell at, but not someone you would trust either. Then, I started thinking of the universe as a lazy house-elf (oh yes, I did just make a Harry Potter reference) who doesn’t want to do his chores so you have to stand over him and tell him specifically what you want done. But now I’m starting to see the universe less as something negative I need to argue with and fight to control, and more as a force that wants to work with me and is waiting to give me all that I want to demand from myself and my life. I haven’t figured out the metaphor for this new view yet, but I’m working on it. Whatever it is, it’s a positive thing.

So, in the new year, these are all the things I will try to remember as I venture out into adulthood. And of course, I’ll still write (and whine and complain) about it all on a blog. I’ll post that address here once it’s all set up.

But finally and most importantly, I’m going to love me just the way I am! (Good Lord, that was so corny I gagged… wait, I’m supposed to be practicing self-love… this is going to be harder than I thought…) Yes, there are still things about myself that I find less than perfect (gasp!) and need to work on: I still get mad at myself when I take things too personally, I wish I didn’t worry so much, and I hate myself when I get jealous. But all those things I don’t like about myself are part of what makes me, Me: emotional, thoughtful, and maybe a little bit crazy. When I put it that way, it doesn’t sound so bad.

It is now 2 am on Saturday, January 2, 2010. It’s only fitting that I’m writing my resolutions a day too late because 1.) I’m always running late, and 2.) I’m always running late with my resolutions. Last year, I don’t think I wrote them at all. Two years ago, I wrote them on February 1. But I like that! Because I think when you decide you want to make a change in your life, or simply want to give yourself props for all the things you’ve done right, you shouldn’t wait for a special day. Or a special sign. And if I ever do feel like I need a sign, I hope I’ll remember this blog post, because here it is:

STOP WAITING FOR SIGNS. LIVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE IMAGINED. JUST DO IT.

And I will do it.  Starting…

Now.


Love always,
La Viajera