"Real Reason"

Monday, October 12, 2009
8: 21 pm Two posts in one day?!?

I know. I’m feeling chatty. And there are about a thousand other things I should be doing, so naturally, I’m blogging. I found out a couple hours ago that I got a final interview for this job I really want. And when I found out, I didn’t jump up and down or scream and yell, as I’d always imagined I would do when I got the news. Instead, I kind of sat there, stunned. And then eventually I made my way downstairs and told the rest of my family. And they all kind of did a mini- jump up and down and scream and yell, and I just stood there. Clearly, my response is not the normal one here, so I ask you this…

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I CAN’T JUST BE HAPPY WHEN I FINALLY GET WHAT I WANT!??!?!?

Part of me thinks I just don’t want to get my hopes up, after being this close to getting so many jobs before, and then not actually getting them in the end. But I think it’s more than that. I think that even though I cry and complain about not being able to get a full-time job, the truth is as long as I don’t have a job… I’m safe. I live at home with my family and not much is expected of me. It’s almost as if I haven’t started my “real life” yet. If I get a job and move out I have to start my real life. I have to do all those things I always said I would do with my life. At home, my life is in limbo. Out there, it’s game on.

Anyway, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to feel like an over-tired little kid until the interview – my adrenaline is rushing and my nerves are shot. An excellent example of what this means happened just an hour ago. I think I’ve mentioned before that I cry every time I see a preview for “Where The Wild Things Are.” Now, this alone isn’t especially different for me - I cry at McDonald’s commercials with surprising frequency. Anyway, I really like the song in the preview (“Wake Up” by The Arcade Fire), so I downloaded it to my Ipod to listen to while I was showering.

BAD CALL.

I started crying hysterically in the shower. I don’t know what it is about that song and that movie and my life, but I had a total melt down. I think maybe because the song and the movie are about growing up and losing your childhood innocence, but also maybe still retaining some of it. Which I can relate to. I don’t know. In other news, I’m crazy.

Sometimes when I lose perspective on my life, I try to think about what my 7-year-old self would say. I honestly think maybe I had everything figured out at the age of 7, and I’ve just spent the last 15 years getting confused. Anyway, if I could ask my 7-year-old self what I could do to be happiest right now, I think she would hit me over the head with a Barbie doll and ask me when I started doubting everything and why I ever stopped playing with my sisters and dreaming of becoming a movie star and marrying a prince. There isn’t room for doubt when it comes to living the life you have imagined.

And since everything in my life is connected to everything else, I can’t help but think of one of my favorite Storypeople quotes, which I think might actually be the secret of life:

there are things you do because they feel right & they may make no sense & they may make no money & it my be the real reason we are here: to love each other & to eat each other’s cooking & say it was good.

I think maybe I’ve been making this way harder than it needs to be.

Love,
Tara